Disappointment

Tomorrow marks the last day of 2019. You can be pedantic and say the decade isn't until 2021, but I think most people count the decades 0-9 instead of 1-0. If nothing else, I'm one of those people. And sure, maybe 2021 will be the start of the decade as counted back to year 1, but every year begins a decade since the first decade so meh.

All that pedantry out of the way, 2019 has been a weird year for me gaming. This Friday I'll likely be ending one of the D&D games I'm running. There's a good chance the PCs are at the final encounter and it is kill or be killed, which either way more or less ends things y'know?

As I look back over the sessions, I feel like I left a lot of them disappointed. My standards and expectations for myself as a Game Master are higher than my ability to deliver. Higher to perhaps unreasonable levels. I'm aware of this logically, which is a good thing, but that doesn't change the feel. My players say they're having fun. They still show up for sessions. That is all that matters, but I still feel that disappointment after every session that I didn't live up to expectations.

My chief failing is as a story teller. I mean this in the actual skill of the telling of the story. In the moment when GMing I feel awkward, I feel like I'm taking too much time, I get flustered, and then I rush...and then I feel bad for not doing it right. And then we repeat.

On the one hand this isn't a bad thing. I've identified a thing to work on for 2020. That's good.

On the other, having unrealistic expectations for myself as a GM could be a problem. Dissatisfaction with a session can lead to a loss of confidence, which can lead to a loss of quality in the game - or worse - fun in the activity of running a game. Once the fun is gone, the game is not long for the world.

Which also brings another goal for me for 2020: being realistic about my expectations for myself, and while it is ok to acknowledge that disappointment I also need to remind myself of progress made, effort put in, and not let that disappointment override the reason I'm doing this: to have fun.

There won't be a post for Wednesday for New Years. We'll have the first post of the year on Friday.

Enjoy your New Years!